Relationship And Sex

How Being Beautiful Led Me To Doomed Relationships-Dr Julia Ma-Kellams

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Beauty is a gift that ought to come with a caveat: a warning sign stating that while being gorgeous might sound like fun, when it comes to relationships, oh boy, are you in for a rough time.

I should know. You can call me immodest, vain even, for admitting so freely that in my youth I was good looking. But then, I believe that had I not been so beautiful, I might still be married to the man I once loved.


The fatal flaw in our relationship was I blossomed to become so much better looking than he was. My poor ex couldn’t cope with living in my shadow and constantly felt jealous and insecure.


Meanwhile, I had my fickle head turned every which way by the gorgeous men who stepped over my poor, plain accountant husband to flirt with his perky young wife.


I ended up leaving him for one of his rivals: a banker with blond hair and chiselled features who was introduced to me by a female friend.

I had married in 1989 when I was 26 — I genuinely believed my husband was the love of my life — but 18 months later it was all over. Gone, because someone had flattered and seduced me and, stupidly, I didn’t have the backbone to say ‘No’.

Needless to say, my lothario soon gave me a taste of my own medicine, driving me insane by chatting up other women.
Suddenly I was the insecure one, constantly asking: ‘Who was that woman flirting with you at the bar?’

After a few agonising months, I was left nursing a bruised ego when he moved on to someone new — and yes, she was gorgeous.
Poetic justice, you might say. But I am far from the only attractive woman to have messed up her marriage by being too pretty for her own good.

A study published this week grimly notes that being beautiful is a ‘relationship liability’.

Researchers at Harvard University — like gossip mag columnists — were debating why Hollywood power couples, such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, rarely go the distance.

The latest example is Scarlett Johansson, who filed for divorce from her second husband this month and has frankly stated that monogamy is just not for her.

The researchers found celebrities were much more likely to be divorced than plain old Mr Smith, and had shorter marriages, too.

Further research showed it’s not just the rich and famous — it’s all good-looking types.

They asked women to judge the attractiveness of 238 men from a high school yearbook. The most attractive were more likely to have had short marriages and be divorced.


Now, I don’t need a Harvard professor to tell me why that is. Being attractive throws temptations and opportunities your way. Sadly, when coupled with youth, it is a toxic combination.


The fact I was attractive meant I was constantly surrounded by men ready and willing to distract me from the path of true love. The more offers I got, the more convinced I became that the grass really was greener on the other side.


It led me into doomed relationship after doomed relationship, a vicious cycle that lasted well into my 40s.

When things started to go awry with a boyfriend, I never felt remotely inclined to try to work through any problems. I simply moved on to the next man.


As a beautiful woman, I never had that fear I would be left alone.

There was always another charming, handsome replacement waiting in the wings to offer me the heady excitement of a new relationship.

For example, one afternoon I walked out of the hairdresser’s with a friend, only to have a gorgeous young man screech to a halt in his open-top Ferrari in front of me. ‘I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d driven past you,’ he said. ‘Will you come to the polo with me on Saturday?’

Before I had the chance to think, my friend had accepted for both of us. That weekend was spent drinking champagne with the attractive stranger and his wealthy friends. My boyfriend at the time — whoever he was — was forgotten.


On another occasion, I was running to catch a flight to Martha’s Vineyard in the States when a handsome older man stopped me, gave me his business card and simply said: ‘You’re beautiful — please call me.’ And I did. I now struggle to even recall his name.

As soon as any liaison hit a stumbling block, I’d be off to pastures new. One, I recall, ended because I refused to go away on a shooting weekend (I’d become a vegetarian). It was easier to walk away than try to fix the problem.

Julia Stephenson married in 1989 aged 26, but 18 months later it was all over. She writes: 'Gone, because someone had flattered me and seduced me and, stupidly, I didn't have the backbone to say 'No'

I suspect that had I been forced to stay and work on it, my life might be much happier.

As Dr Christine Ma-Kellams, lead author of the Harvard study, puts it: ‘We all value physical attraction, but it may make people who are unhappy in their relationships more likely to pursue alternative relationships and so perhaps it is not always a good thing.’



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